Well, not exactly, but it is only a week until my wedding, and instead of being excited and nervous, I'm depressed. Why you might ask? Because this coming week feels like eternity. I just wish it was over, and that I was already moved in with Zack. I can't stand being away from him any longer! I went through my entire first trimester without him, and I don't want the second trimester to be a repeat of that.

On the other hand, at the end of a week, I will be married to the most wonderful, fanstastic man in the world. How can I not be happy about that? I'm just bummed that it isn't happening sooner, and I'm having a shitty time right now, and he can't even be here to hold me and make things all better. Please, God, let this week speed by!

I have work tomorrow, 9-5. This weekend will be spent packing and cleaning the house. Also a little bit of last minute shopping for the wedding. Monday is my last shift at work (THANK GOD!). After that, I have an OB appointment on Tuesday. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday will be spent packing, last minute wedding details, and further getting the house ready for the big day.

On Friday, Zack's family will drive up here with the flowers. I have to pick up my wedding cakes, drop them off at Baskin Robbins so my manager can decorate them. Then I have to get ready for the wedding. After the ceremony we'll probably have some pictures taken at a nearby park. Then it's speeding off to pick up the cakes, get the food, and throw everything together for the wedding.

I know that once Zack gets in town on Thursday, everything will be a blur. It's just that Thursday can't get here fast enough for me!

Zack and I are expecting our first child. We are four weeks along, now. Only 252 days to go!

Most of you should know by now that something's been going on lately in my life. I've been sick for almost two weeks now. At first it was nausea with vomitting, and some pretty intense stomach pains. Lately that has died down to just general nausea and cramps. After a few days of unrelenting symptoms, I visited the family doctor. The first thing the doctor asked me was "Have you been around anyone with Hep. A?"...She narrowed down the possible diagnosis to acid reflux, Hep. A, and pregnancy. She sent me to get blood tests and a urine test. Since then, the urine test has come back negative, but I'm still waiting on the blood test (I should find out tomorrow). My period has always been regular, a 24 day cycle, like clockwork. Well, for me, my 24 days was last Thursday. I should have started then. Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, I'll start up to 26 days later, i.e. yesterday. I'm late. It could be stress, illness, mind tricks, or pregnancy. My family knows it's a possibility. I already had my "You're a disappointment" talks out of the way...

I just don't know what to think. I can't draw a line between what my body is telling me and what everyone else is telling me. I'm confused. I'm scared. I've experienced every emotion a girl can face on a daily basis. Right now, I just want to know what's going on with my body. My 21st birthday was yesterday, and I have continued to abstain from alcohol, just on the slight chance there may be another life within me. I'm not much of a drinker, anyway, so it's no big loss...still, I turned down an opportunity to hang out with a friend tonight because of it.

You should know by now that my sister is 7 months pregnant. Ever since I saw Father of the Bride II as a little girl, I wanted to have a dual pregnancy. I just thought it'd be cool to go through it with someone else, and have kids so close in age...now I just fear it's poor timing for a family that's already strained to the breaking point.

I don't want everyone to think I'm just some horny teenager. That wasn't the case. I would have never consented to sex unless my partner and I accepted pregnancy as a possibility, no matter what precautions we took. Zack and I have had condomless sex lots of times, and nothing ever came of it. I was even starting to harbor thoughts of being infertile. When he came up for Thanksgiving, we just went for it. We had been apart for a very long time, and with as much as we love each other, and are attracted to one another, well, sex was pretty much inevitable. I didn't know at the time that I was at my most fertile point (I only just found that out tonight). I guess it is a very real possibility that I could be pregnant...I just don't know if I feel like I am or not.

My bosses are convinced I'm pregnant. Mel calls me Preggers, and whenever she comes or goes she says "I love you and the baby!" Theresa just says that I need to eat so I can nourish the baby...They're both mothers, and good friends of mine.

I don't know what the hell is going on inside of me, and all I want right now is a definite answer. I'm going mad thinking of every posibility.

I realize that I dig myself deeper with everything I say. Basically, all that matters is this. No, we weren't trying to get pregnant, yes, we knew it was a possibility. We'll take whatever happens to us, and we'll face it as a loving, strong, dedicated couple.

Even knowing that, though, I'm still scared.

I'll update more, later, when I find out. Zack will, of course, be the first to know, followed by family and friends.

I thought I'd feel better after getting this all out, but I'm still just as confused as ever. Ah well...at least it's comforting to know that it's out there, and some of my friends can know what's going on. I haven't had the courage to tell my closest friends yet. I don't want to tell anyone else until I know for sure.

So far, second saddest birthday ever.

Life, lately, has been painfully stressful. I say "painful", because that's what I've been experiencing a lot of lately. Physical pain, menal pain, emotional pain, self inflcited pain, etc. I'll try and keep this as short and sweet as possible, for whoever reads this.

I've been sick for almost a week now. I don't know what with, but there is some vomiting, and constant pain and nausea. I went to the doctor's a few days ago, and she narrowed it down to three things. She sent me to a lab for blood work and a urine test. According to my doctor, who I will see again in a week and a half, it could be acid reflux, pregnancy, or Hep. A. Most likely not Hep. A. As for acid reflux, I got some sample medicine, a once daily pill that I take, and so far I feel the same. I'm frantic, almost. On the edge of my seat. I want to know what the test results are. I want to know what's going on inside my body.

I told my mom as soon as the doctor appointment was over. She's okay. She's calm, and strong, and I admire her so much. I just told my dad tonight, as this has been the first time I've seen him since the doctor's. His reply was "Do you and your sister not realize the consequences of your actions?!" He's said that to me a few times before. It hurts very much, no matter how many times he says it. Do you know what it feels like to be such a disappointment to your family? I know that feeling way more than I should. I hate it. I'm depressed, upset, stressed, and miserable because of it. I don't regret my life, but I am ashamed of how my parents view me.

So here I am, sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want some answers. Zack and I don't talk a lot, and when we do one or the both of us wind up depressed.

*sigh*
And to top things off, I can't breathe because my inhaler is out. That just adds to the misery.

Sorry my entry wasn't lighthearted and enjoyable.

I know I had a great one...

Zack got in town last night, and I have been so happy. Last night I got very little sleep. Attempting to sleep on the couch didn't really work for me. I fell asleep around 5am, or 5:30, and I woke up around 6am. Unable to sleep, I opted to help my mom bake for the Thanksgiving dinner. We were in charge of sweet potato casserole, pumpkin pie, fudge, and cranberry sauce. After baking we had breakfast and watched the Macy's Day Parade while the rest of the household woke up.
Prior to the party, things were a little hectic and tense, but the mood soon lightened due to the holiday. We headed to my Grandma's house that afternoon and had a wonderful dinner. Zack finally met the rest of my family, which went wonderfully. The family also finally met James, who was quiet and reserved the whole time. Not exactly acceptable with my family. We left early to see to other family members, but Zack and I headed back to my house, as I was falling asleep and he, too, was tired. I went to bed around 7pm (I think), and slept off and on until about 11pm. Now it's 12 and I'm still up, though I'll be going to bed soon here.
In a few hours my parents will leave for Jamaca. My sister has already made it clear that Zack and I aren't to sleep in the same bed, and even though I pointed out that she sleeps with James quite often (especially when my parents are home), she retorted that the circumstances were different. Yeah. Sure. Zack and I are going to be together despite what she says.
Anywho, I am dead tired, and I have to "wake up" in a few hours to drive my parents to the airport. Than, while I'm up, I may as well hit a few stores, you know, it being Black Friday and all. Yes, I'm a crazy one. Zack told me to wake him up as well, which I feel bad about, but if it's what he wants. After that we'll catch up on the sleep issue that has eluded us for so long. Then, apres ca, we've promised to make an appearance at my cousin's house. That's always fun. After that, we may go to see Hitman or go to a bonfire. Depends on how everything else falls into place. We still have a few days together, but as our time is limited, it is very precious. I'd prefer to forgo sleep for as long as possible in order to spend every waking moment with Zack, but I know that's not going to happen. Sleep, unfortunately, is necessary.

I hate my sister's boyfriend. You know what? I have tried. I have tried very hard to like him, and when that failed I tried very hard to put up with him. Right now I can't even stand being in the same room with him, let alone go on knowing that he sleeps with my sister when everyone else is home. He makes out with her in front of us. He gropes her and feels her up as if I wasn't right there. The guy sickens me.

...Emily's baby is going to have his last name...and now the "happy little couple" is talking about marriage, and spending the rest of their lives together. I had always hoped, you know, that I wouldn't hate my brother in law.

A jerk like that doesn't deserve a girl as great as my sister. I'm not so sure he deserves any girl, if all he does is treat them like shit and threaten them to stay together.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I won't even get into what a hypocrit my sister is, because there are certain people who read this (but probably don't, but just in case) don't need to hear it. My sister is being stupid, and I'm scared she's going to ruin her life. This poor baby already has a deadbeat dad and she's not even born.

Please, God, I want to be wrong, but in all the years they've been together (on and off) he hasn't once shown that he deserves my sister. How many more chances do I have to give him?? Infinite? Because I don't have that in me...you can only hurt my family so many times before I'm out for your head. I know I'm not behaving like a good Christian, or a good human being for that matter, but that is seriously how much I dislike this creep. Ugh.

Fin.

He's just the guy for me and I want all the world to see we've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

So I've refined the lyrics slightly, but it all means the same thing. I got to see Zack over the weekend! It was such a beautiful weekend. I'm still riding high. If nothing else, this past weekend accomplished two things. A)We have a better memory of our last meeting, since before this weekend, all we had was a very tearful, emotional, and rushed goodbye at the hands of my family; and B)I am no longer paranoid about losing Zack to all the pretty girls he works with. This past week that has been a very prevalent fear.

It's raining outside right now, and some thunder. It's so beautiful, so I'm very happy. Anyway, back to this weekend...

Prior to going to Springfield, Zack said I had a few surprises waiting for me. One of those surprises was going to be a hotel room for one night. It didn't happen, but it was still a wonderful surprise. We never got the time alone that we craved, but we made up for it. Stealing kisses and touching under the covers with his bedroom door open. It was very daring. ;) For the most part we played video games or watched tv in his bedroom. I arrived in Springfield on Friday night. I stopped by his work to see him for a few minutes, then I watched tv with his parents until he got home.

Saturday night/Sunday morning, well I was half awake, so I don't have the specifics, but what happened was...Zack left me to sleep in his room around 3am. I do remember asking him not to leave me, but that was just because I had to leave the next day, and that made me sad. He laid in bed with me for a bit, before going to his makeshift bed in the living room. He came back some time later (minutes, hours, not sure). He later told me that he was looking for his nail clippers, but I asked him then what he was doing (I think). He apparently asked me if I had trouble sleeping, and I said no, but perhaps he didn't believe me. To my great joy, he climbed into bed with me again, and we fell asleep together. I woke up some time later (again, not sure how much time had passed), and I told him he should go back to the living room so he didn't get in trouble. I noticed, however, when he left, his mom's bedroom light was on and her door was open. Apparently it was about 6am or 6:30. She was upset about what happened, but Zack explained to her that it was a mistake. They kept a closer watch on us all day Sunday. Still, it felt so good sleeping beside Zack once more. I didn't realize until then that perhaps I have such trouble sleeping in my own bed because I'm used to him being there with me.

I had such a beautiful weekend. I cried on my way home, I didn't want to leave him again, and I'm surprised I worked up the strength to do so. It was hard enough the first time. I did try to delay, because when I got to the highway, I made an excuse to call him and go back.

I didn't get my tattoo like I wanted, but I got time with Zack, which was more precious than anything. I get to see him again in about a week and a half, and we'll have more time together than (definitely more alone time, too). I can't wait, and I'm counting down the days. Until then, the memory of this weekend will keep me satisfied.

He said the sweetest, most wonderful things any girl would love to hear. He was amazing and perfect the whole time, and there were moments that I just stared at him, because he is so insanely handsome. I fall in love with him over and over and over again. I mean just when I think I can't love him any more than I do at that moment, he proves me wrong. :)

We have come a long way in these past few months in terms of wedding planning. As of today, we have just over a year left before we tie the knot. This blog is more for Zack than anyone else. Until we're in person, I just don't know what the best way is to convey all of this to you. I won't go into great detail, because there really isn't anything that is set in stone. I do have a few ideas that I'd really like to see happen.

First of all, the Catholic wedding? I'd love to get married in the chapel (small, intimate, romantic setting), and I'd like Deacon Russel to officiate the ceremony (I've known him for years, and he's in my dad's band). Coincidentally, I thought about asking my dad's band to play during the wedding, and as for female singers, I have a few people in mind, again, all friends of my dad. As for how much this will all cost? I have no clue. Maybe $25-$50 per musician, and for the wedding itself I think we pay for the alter boys and such...hard to explain. The other options I'm weighing is to get married outdoors at this lovely location, under a gazebo. I don't know how much this will cost either, I imagine it would be more expensive than the church wedding. I am going to set up an appointment soon with the pastor at my parents' church to discuss getting married in the church and what it takes, especially since you aren't Catholic.

Next, I want this to be a casual wedding. Most likely it will be October 17th, because Friday evenings tend to be cheaper rates all around. It will also be more considerate for our out of town guests, as opposed to a Sunday wedding (also cheaper than a Saturday). For reception halls, I have two places picked out so far. They do everything, so it's pretty much all inclusive. One is $19/head and one is $21/head, but the more expensive one seems much nicer, and it includes the cake from McArthur's Bakery which is supposed to be very good.

Standing with us, during the ceremony, I would like my sister as the Maid of Honor. As for the Best Man, I don't know. Phillip? Patrick? Your brother? My brother? You will wear a tie, I hope, as will the Best Man. We can get you something at Kohl's (as suggested by a crazy customer at work, who I tried telling you about but you changed the subject). A lot of my family is already helping out. My Aunt Jane is donating stuff to make the centerpieces, because her daughter's wedding will be in May, so we'll get vases and the mirrors to go underneath. I'm not sure what else. My Aunt Betty is a pro at weddings, hosting two within the past year. I'm sure she'd be able to help. She did all the party favors and arrangements for her daughter's weddings.

About the party favors, my favorite ideas include cookie cutters in the shape of leaves with a clever recipe/poem/whatever attached. A painted mini pumpkin (you have to see the picture) with a ribbon and pumpkin-themed recipe tied to it, or caramel apples. All the ideas are so cute and they tie into our Fall theme so well, I'm having a hard time deciding. Ultimately, cost will be a big factor.

Back to decorations. We're going to use a red/orange/gold/brown color scheme for our Fall theme. Lots of leaves, pumpkins, spicy aromas, warm tones, warm lights. I'm going to use coffee beans instead of beads for our centerpieces. That way it'll look great and it'll smell nice too, and most likely it'd be cheaper. I've been to Micheal's Craft Store three times now for ideas. My mom has been a big help too, as is Theresa from work.

Now, I know for sure that the groom's cake is going to be pumpkin pie, as that's Zack's favorite. I'm going for more of a "fall elegance" instead of a "fall harvest" kind of dealie. I want it to be warm and lovely, not so...hay rides and scare crows, you know?

I will most likely get my gown from David's Bridal, a $99 gown. That's a ways off, though, especially considering the fact that I'll be going to the gym semi-regularly. I have ideas of what sort of dress I'd like, as well as how I'll do my hair (my sister's friend will do my hair for $20, so that'll save me a trip to the hairdresser's. My parents are contributing money for the wedding, and so I figure that if we both raise about $1500, we'd be able to pull of a beautiful wedding.

So...what do you think? Yes? No? Would you like to be more involved with the planning? Ideas? Anything?

So...I went apple picking today, at Eckert's farms. I went with my family, and my sister's boyfriend. It was so much fun. The weather was gorgeous, the apples were delicious. We got apple cider, and tonight we get to make apple sauce and caramel apples.

Coincidentally, this gives me some very good ideas for my wedding.

After apple picking in the morning, we returned and had lunch with my brother. He didn't punch James in the face, so it was a good time.

I'm exhausted. I intended to buy myself some much needed professional clothes, but as it turns out my debit card still hasn't come in the mail. Because of this stupid card (and my checks) I haven't been able to do anything I need to do, like fix my car, pay the rent, etc. I also missed out on buying a real engagement ring. :( I was so depressed about that. I'm pissed off and scared that someone else has my debit card and is spending my money. We got back too late in the day for me to call my bank.

The wedding plans are coming along smoothly. My job is great. I've been getting lots of hours and I've gotten two raises since being rehired. I have a job interview this Monday for a substitute teaching position. I'm nervous, and super excited.

I have the weekend off, so I'm enjoying myself, or trying to. I have no money and no gas, so I'm stuck at home. At least my sister is here.

Zack and I are talking more and more about when we get to see each other. It has been, what, a month and a half since we've seen each other? I miss him so much. It still hurts. That pain never went away. But, with money rolling in for me, and with his job starting this week, we're hoping to swing a visit soon.

I, at least, would like him up here for Thanksgiving. My parents will be gone on vacation.

Life is slowly fixing itself. We're righting our wrongs. Everything is coming together once again.

I have a job. I have a family that loves me. I'm engaged to the man of my dreams. I am going to be an aunt soon. Life is pretty good.

Since I've posted here. I'm thinking I'll start this up again. Not sure if any still (if ever) reads this.

I'm sad, looking at my last entry, and I think that's why I abandoned my LJ. Since my last post, my Grandpa passed away.

Zack and I do not live together anymore. We barely talk, even.

I just got a call from my mom. She wanted to update me on the status of my grandpa and also to guilt me because I didn't call her since I've been back home.

My grandpa had to have emergency surgery done a few weeks ago. He's been on dialysis since then. He has been unresponsive, also, for the past few weeks. My family had a meeting in terms of what should be done. They're going to wait another week and if he doesn't improve then they are going to take him off of dialysis. If you are unfamiliar with what this means, his kidneys won't work and he'll die. As I understand it, it will only take a day or two.

Oddly enough, it will be around this time when I find out if I am pregnant or not. I admit that it will be pretty surreal to find out I'm pregnant the day I find out that my Grandpa passed away.

I'll post more when I learn more.

Nowhere, that's the problem. It is I who fails so miserably at keeping this thing updated...

Anywho, update time!

Last weekend I got to go and visit my family and friends. I only stayed for a few days, but I got to see a lot of people. A friend of mine had his graduation party on Saturday, and apart from that I spent most of my time with my family. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with my sister as I wanted, though. I saw her for a bit on Monday, though James wouldn't leave her alone. Tuesday morning we went to the zoo and then we had lunch with my mom at one of my favorite restaurants. After that I left for home. Friday night to Tuesday afternoon, not bad. I loved being back. I missed everyone so much. The only downside was that I was missing Zack like crazy the whole time. It hurt, literally hurt, because I missed him so much. However, when I got home on Tuesday, he seemed kind of distant, and I've been feeling that a lot since I came back. I don't know, I guess it's just my imagination.

Well...Tuesday night I made a really bad error in judgment. I made a pretty big mistake. Only time will tell if anything will come of it or not, but I'm impatient.

The weather has been sort of cool and rainy here so I haven't been swimming. My days have gotten pretty monotonous lately, so the fervency to find a job has increased tenfold. I don't think I'll be going to school this semester, which I'm upset about, but that damn school...Well, we'll see...I can't think of more to add just yet, so I'll come back later.

Peace.

My life is complete chaos right now.

For starters, I moved in with Zack. I'm 3 hours away from all of my family and friends. I don't know the city well, and it's pretty alien to me. I haven't had much chance to get to know it because I hardly venture beyond my apartment complex. I love living with Zack, and I love him more than ever. I just really, really, really miss my family and friends. I am going home soon to visit. There are a few reasons why...

...First of all, my grandpa is dying. He is on dialysis right now. His kidneys have pretty much failed. Right now everything points to the fact that he's not much longer for this world. I want to go see him and say goodbye, at least. At this rate, though, I don't know if I will get that opportunity.

I want to be pregnant, but I don't. We're not pregnant. Well, I'm 99% sure that we're not. I don't bring up the subject because it's a nasty one to bring up around me. That's all you really need to know. Also, it's taking a toll on my love life, but that it is a little too personal to get into.

Here's the kicker...My sister is pregnant. My sister who is single and 15 months younger than me. My sister who is going to be a doctor. The father of her baby is a jerk, but for her sake and for the baby's, I'm willing to give him a second chance. Emily is considering adoption still, and while her and James are considering marriage, I kinda hope they don't. It's up to them, though. Well...it's up to Emily. Personally, I'm thrilled. I'm really jealous, too. This is the second reason I want to go home so badly. I will be going to visit in a week or two, and I'll spend a few days up there.

It struck me that this was the absolutely worst time for me to move. My sister is pregnant and alone and my grandpa is dying. My family is under so much stress and pressure and I'm not helping. I feel really selfish right now, and almost like I made a wrong decision. I don't regret living with Zack, but maybe we should have waited a bit longer.

Everything is going to work out, isn't it? I mean I keep telling everyone that it will be fine, and I keep an optimistic perspective, and I know that it's helped my mom and my sister so far...I just need a little reassurance for myself. I can put on a good act, but believing it myself is another issue.

Meanwhile I'm trying to find a job, with no luck. Also I'm trying to get enrolled for school, also with no luck. I'm just feeling a little screwed right now. I'll get a job that I hate and I probably won't get to go to school this semester, which if that happens, it may be quite a long time before I do go back to school.

Oh, and my laptop is dead. Great timing. That really cut me off from my life.

So, here's a nice long update like I promised...(and I just may use this as the template for a long overdue LJ update...)

School is finally over for the semester, thank GOD! My last final was Thursday morning and after I had gotten everything out of my dorm and checked out I headed straight to Springfield to stay with Zack and his family. Thursday Zack and I visited apartments and a few car dealers (because Zack needed a new car). His family is so much more comfortable with me now that they know of the engagement and we all get along great. Friday morning Zack and I put in an application at these apartments that aren't too far from my (hopefully) new school. We should get a call today. I am so nervous. These apartments are so perfect for us. Great location, rent is $360, utilities not included. The livingroom and bedroom are huge. The complex is beautiful. They have a pool and laundromat on site. After that we hit a few more car dealers and then we just hung out until I had to drive him to work. I left after that. I had to swing by UMR to pick up my sister. We got home (St.Louis) around 6pm. It was so great seeing her (I haven't seen her since before Easter). We had a LONG talk about my moving in with Zack, the wedding, and the fact that I've become so much more liberal since going to school. She also told me that the way my family was viewing my wedding was that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate. But we worked through a lot which was really nice. I went out to dinner with my mom and my sister, which was really nice.

My mom has been very prolific in helping with planning the wedding. You've already seen my colors (my sister hates them, she says she'll look like a tree). I'm getting over the fact that I won't get my dream dress. However, my mom and I are going to look at dresses next weekend. I still have my make-over to look forward to next Saturday. My mom bought me two magazines; Modern Bride and Wedding Flowers. We spent the evening going over them and talking about our ideas. I'm still going for a small wedding, so we're working out the initial details. My mom says that on my wedding day she's taking me to a spa/salon to get my hair and make-up done professionally. I told her she's more than welcome to go but I was planning to do my hair and make-up myself. My sister threw a fit that I'm not getting my dream dress and she insists on buying it herself which I absolutely forbid. She's got to pay for med school in a few years. She needs to save her money.

So here's the big news concerning the apartment, and oh my God I am so excited! Zack's parents bought us a couch from a garage sale. It's not some ugly couch either, it is beautiful, and it's a neutral color so I can get any color pillows to go with it (I'm leaning towards green of some sort or a dark purple). So, we have a couch! I have a queen size bed that I got from my parents when they bought a new one a few months ago. My parents are giving us an old kitchen table that needs a little maintenance but still very good. So we have all our major furniture already! We have a tv (but we won't get cable). I have a book case and if it'll fit I also have a desk and a dresser.

Also, I just found out this morning from Zack's mom that they are going to buy us a dinnerware set for a house warming gift! It's a plain white set but it's still gorgeous. I can't believe this, really. Everything is so amazing. It's all really happening and it's coming together so well. I am so happy.

The only thing I'm down about is that I couldn't go to my cousin's graduation because I'm filling in for a girl at work. She "hurt her wrist", and I only found out afterwards that it was a stupid excuse and that I got roped into it, so I'm missing out something very big for our family. I'm pretty mad about that. The girl lied to me and used me and I fell for it because I felt bad for her.

I have a migraine right now, and on top of that is a hefty pile of stress, so this won't be the happiest of posts for those two reasons alone.

First of all, it's hot here. My fan broke last week so it's been uncomfortable here ever since. Honestly, you have to take a shower every few hours just so you don't feel gross. I have two meal points left so I've been down to one meal a day for the past few days. I snuck some bananas from the cafeteria for other meals. Very soon I'm going to have to shell out money that I don't have for fast food. I'll still eat one meal a day. I hate the dorms. My roommate is seriously getting on my nerves, and I can't get away from her save classes. She doesn't go to hers anymore, so she's pretty much in the room 24/7. Not just that. Sometimes her equally annoying friend is with her. Either they'll watch annoying television shows, blast annoying music, or talk on their cell phones (I'm not kidding, that's all they do. Her friend will come and hang out only so they can talk to other people on their cell phones the whole time). Also, she hasn't cleaned up our room or the bathroom all year. Not once. Also, another lovely example...she had left a big bag of trash just laying in our room where we both kept tripping over it. I didn't say anything but she kept complaining, so finally after 2 days I took it out for her.

I cannot wait for summer. It seems so far away (less than 2 weeks). I have one paper due tomorrow, as well as two quizzes to study for and French and MO Hist. homework to do. I can't bring myself to do much of anything with this migraine. Coincidentally, I've been having bad headaches a lot lately. I'm pretty close to having high blood pressure, so I had to make a few dietary changes. Like it'd kill me to do something healthy...I know. I've switched from caffine to water. Now I pretty much just drink water, but I'm going through some un-fun caffine withdrawals. Finals are next week, so in between the piles of homework I've 5 classes to study for. I'll be done with finals by next Thursday afternoon. I have to ace all of my finals.

I got to see Zack this past weekend. That was really nice, and a really nice break. I was going through Zack withdrawals (which is worse than withdrawaling from caffine). We got to see Meet the Robinsons (which was great). We also, finally, told his parents. They said we were too young but not much else apart from that. His mom "officially" welcomed me to the family in an e-mail the next day. We also checked out some apartments and that was a failure, so we're back to square one. Zack wants to move in by the end of May and I don't think it's possible at this point, but he wants it and I swear it'll happen even if it kills me. Some major concerns include credit, health insurance, school, and finding a job, for starters. My family isn't really happy with the whole moving away, and so soon at that, but we'll all cope. I'll see them on occassion, I'm sure.

I miss baseball. I can't watch Cardinals games because my roommate has the tv, and when it's not on, she's asleep. It'll be really nice to see some baseball this summer.

My grandma is insane and she has really been making me mad lately. My closest friends already know and it's a pretty sore subject, so I'll just leave it at that.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY MUST PEOPLE STAND IN THE HALL OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR AND FIGHT/YELL? God, just go to your own room. I HATE dorms. I'm done with them.

I can't wait to move in with Zack. Sadly it seems so, so far away. Honestly, right now all I want (immediately) is to be away from this school and these dorms.

Some good news, at least, I aced my French oral exam. Not only did I ace it, but according to my professor, I recieved the highest grade he's given any student for it (ever). Of course he's only been here for a year.

My dad is coming up this weekend to help move all of my stuff out of the dorm. It's probably going to be a little awkward, seeing as how he made me cry the last time we talked.

Oh, and a student here has bacterial meningitis, so there's this huge health alert for our campus. Fun, fun, eh?

*sigh*

So this past weekend was the "big weekend". We told my parents and we "officially" announced it to my family.

Oh, the above picture? That's my temporary engagement ring. I know the quality of the picture is horrible, but take my word for it that the ring is gorgeous.

Now, telling the family...I was so nervous, Zack was too. Even now he's convinced my dad is out to get revenge. Friday night Zack and I were at my aunt and uncle's house so I could visit my cousins and introduce Zack to them. We used them as a trial run and announced our engagement. The result was my Aunt Julie hugging the both of us for 10 minutes crying "Awwwwwwww. Awwwwwwwwwwwww. Awwwwwwww." It was just a wee bit awkward, but their reaction was promising. Saturday morning we sat down my parents and told them. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was "You're too young." I replied "No we're not." and my mom swiftly hit him in the arm. She looked stunned, my dad was upset. In the end my mom hugged me crying that her baby was going to leave her. So the good news is that the acknowledge it and are on the road of accepting it. As it turns out my parents are going to help with the wedding, though we never asked or expected them to. :S My mom and I were discussing the planning of the wedding this morning, and I see that as a very good sign.

For Easter the whole family (my mom's side) gathered at my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Bob's. Zack and I walked in and my mom announced us by saying "Oh, here's Shelli and her, um..." here she paused to look at us and we just stood there looking at her. Zack cracked a joke, but I forgot what he said. My mom finished her introduction with "...boyfriend. Do you have something you'd like to say to everyone?" Everyone looked at us. "Yeah, um...sure, I guess. We're, I mean Zack and I, we're engaged." We got lots of congratulations, lots of hugs, Zack got handshakes, there were lots of questions. I was happy. Something very ironic did happen. My cousin Kristen asked me when the date of our wedding was going to be, and so I told her October 18, 2008. She and her boyfriend just laughed. I asked her what was up and she told me that that was the exact date she had chosen. I said as mine had emotional significance, I win, but she claimed victory on the grounds of seniority. I still win because they aren't even engaged yet. Very crazy stuff.

So all of my family members (except my dad, and at times my mom, brother, and sister) seem to accpet the idea and are genuinely happy for us.

Zack has yet to tell his parents and from the looks of it it's going to be awhile before we tell them. :S

He came up again this weekend, as you no doubt gathered from the title. It was pretty much amazing.

To set up a bit that happened this weekend, I told Zack awhile back that one of the reasons that I was looking forward to moving in with him was so that we could play games together, and that made him really happy. Apparently he had no clue that I've wanted to play games with him for awhile. He's very proud of the fact that his fiancee likes to play games. *beams* Anywho, with that being said, he brought up his xbox 360 and a few games. The first game we played was Dead or Alive 4, and at first I was iffy, because he was really good with some of the characters, but then we put it on random and it was a free-for-all. It was fun. Next, though, we played a game that I had been dreading...Gears of War. When I found out that he rented the game, I looked it up online, and all of the bad guys just look terrifying. Let along that there are the wretches that are wall climing, screeching beings, and then a berserker who is huge and charges at you. She's blind but she can smell you and that's all she needs. I did alright up until the berserker. For the most part I hung back and would fight under cover. Of course at times that wasn't possible and I'd just hope for the best. Zack died more than I did, I think, but only because he put himself out there. I hid more than anything. For a brief period, Zack and I were seperated and were teamed up with our computer teammates. I wasn't happy at first, but it was fine. But yeah, up until that berserker, my gosh. The controls were hard for me to get used to. I barely had them down when we went up against that big monster, and with her charging so fast and no source of cover, I blew it, several times even. Zack was getting frustrated, I was getting frustrated...we didn't play the game anymore. :P

Friday night Zack and I did get to go out to a local pub with a few friends of mine and a few friends of theirs. It was fun. We talked and joked, and giggled like mad. When we got up to leave, Zack tried to push in a chair so I could get out and it snagged on the floor, so I got a piece of the chair in my gut and I cried out "Ouch, my ovaries!". Random, yes, but it got the attention of everyone in the place. :P

Saturday we went to the park/lake even though it was raining. After that we intended to rent a game from blockbuster and go home but Zack spotted this gaming place instead, so we played Wii, and gamecube, and a bunch of stuff. The Wii was fun, and weird, and at times disturbing. I played a little bit of Resevoir Dogs on the PC and the game had some real potential. Super Smash Brothers Melee was a lot of fun. We breaked for dinner and went back to play more games. Around 5:30ish we decided to get a game from blockbuster and head home. So we rented Lego Star Wars. :D I thought that game was so much fun. Zack got a little frustrated at times, but overall he really enjoyed it too. A few memorable moments include me accidentally pulling of Zack's (as C-3PO) arm and leg. :P Also, when I played Chewbacca, I pulled of the Storm Trooper's arms. I got to play as Ben Kenobi first, thus the first Jedi we experienced, so I was rubbing that in Zack's face. Doing all the fun Jedi things and proclaiming that I was "so flippin sweet". I loved it. Playing as Boba Fett was fun too, because he can fly. Also, when you try to double-jump as a Storm Trooper, you just fall flat on your face. It was cute, funny, and I really loved it. We played it some this morning, even, before Zack had to leave.

So all in all it was such a fun weekend. I'm sad that it ended so quickly, but I wouldn't change a minute of it. I can't wait to be out of school. More than that, I can't wait until I'm living with Zack in our own apartment.

I'm still somewhat in a state of shock, so I'm not entirely sure what to post, but I'll try my best. Today has been a whirlwind day in terms of emotion. I've felt them all.

Earlier today Zack mentioned how romantic it'd be to get married on our one year anniversary, and I agreed, though I hardly thought it plausible. Besides, how'd we go from marrying in a year and a half to being married in six months? I didn't entirely understand what it took to be married, so, like any self-respecting college student, I googled it. I found the requirements surprisingly cheap and quick. The more I researched the more I saw that this could happen. Zack and I talked it over and agreed that our one year anniversary would be the perfect date to be married.

So...that's it...We're engaged. We're ENGAGED! (Somebody pinch me to make sure this is really true?). The engagement is real enough despite the fact that there is no engagement ring. I don't need one, but if we will get one it'll be cheap and beautiful. The only ring(s) that matter to me are the wedding bands.

So there you have it. I am so incredibly happy right now. If you want to know how I feel then just imagine yourself being engaged to the most incredible, perfect, wonderful man in the world. It's a really great feeling. I look forward to the day that I get to be Zack's wife. I love him so very much. I look forward to experiencing the ups and downs of life with him. Sharing the good with the bad. Together we can get through anything. He is the strongest, most intelligent, most beautiful, most perfect man I've ever met. I know we'll have some hard times. I know that they can get really hard at times. I also know that we'll have such beautiful, wonderful times. I look forward to dedicating my life to his.

I know it all sounds corny, but it's how I feel.

I love you Zack. Infinitely.